Survival Guide of a Salvatore
by comade
Summary: Aka how to survive Bonnie Bennett.
1. Chapter 1

_Survival guide of a Salvatore_

Bonnie Bennett is a witch, a hunter. She always have this feline look, which makes you understand that, if she wanted to, she could kill you, here, right now. This look can also send you unorthodox thoughts, but I won't talk about this. Because this is only the first page of this guide. And I wouldn't want you to think I'm a perv. Even though I know it's already too late.

Anyway, let's get back to the main topic, Bonnie. She's strong, sexy, and sarcastic. We could describe her as a triple S, a rare gem. But even if the triple S are hard to find, they are dangerous. So, stop playing with fire, and get back to Elena, your double B, beautiful and bighearted.

Bonnie was the worst of her kind, because she could make me burn in just one finger snap. If you don't fall for her beautiful eyes, it's her flames that will end you. She had already put me on fire. Twice. It's unpleasant. But it didn't kill me. I survived Bonnie Bennett... _well_ , until today.

And this is why I will tell you my story. To help you not to succumb to the flames of the next Bennett you'll meet. This is my guide, aka

 _ **How to survive Bonnie Bennett ?**_

 **Rule number one : Don't be Damon Salvatore.**

Come on, don't be surprise. If Bonnie had already burned me twice, there's a reason. She hates me, and the feeling is mutual. But sincerely, if someone had told me from the beginning that she had powers, I would have been more kind with her. Trust me, it's better to have a witch with you, than against you. Especially when she can burn you. While smiling. A sadist.

Secondly, if you're me -what a lucky man you are-, you won't be able to resist to the look Elena will give you when she'll ask you to go search this witch at a party somewhere in town. Why you ? Because the doppleganger is already busy, taking care of Blondie, who just got home, smelling alcohol. Apparently, she ''forgot'' Bonnie. Thanks Caroline, you're an awesome friend.

And this brings us to the **Rule number two : Never go search Bonnie at a party.**

Here begins the awful night. You don't even know where to go. Caroline gave you an old paper, where was written the address, and the more you drive, the more you notice that this stupid town is full of neighborhoods and bars.

If you're a Salvatore, you'll be proud. Because you will be picturing Judy's face, piteously sitting on the pavement, waiting for someone send by Blondie. You feel so powerful, thinking about the face she'll make seeing you in the car, how she'll be silent and ashamed. Well, you're wrong.

« Eh ? Jeeeeff, come back, it's cold here ! Bring me some drink ! »

The famous Bonnie Bennett, the powerful witch, sitting on the edge of a sidewalk, with a messy hair, and a bottle of vodka in her hand.

Bonnie Bennett drunk. Priceless.

I should have take a picture, it could have been useful. But now, just as me, you have others things to do, like bring her home before Elena and Blondie begin to call you because you're too long.

Smiling, you open the door, thinking that the next day you'll be able to make fun of her. But for this, you must bring her back. Because, if she heads back home alone, she could be kidnapped, or killed... Tragic.

You want to get back into your car and go away, don't you ? Do it. Now.

Because, when you're out of the car, keys in hand, she's not there anymore. There is only her jacket, and one of her shoe. Seriously ? She wants to do a remake of Cinderella ? You sigh, exasperated, and trust me, this is the first time, but surely not the last of the night. So, stop grabbing her stuff, and get back home. Don't do like me. Because, I think I might be kinda stupid. And I entered the nightclub. **Big mistake.**

 **Rule number three : Never lose sight of Bonnie.**

It's already dangerous to lose sight of her in general. She could attack you by surprise, turn you into a barbecue. But now, she's completly drunk, it's different. I didn't know where to go. If you're in the same situation, make a U-turn, without regrets. Don't go in there. On the other hand, if you like this witch -which is totally unthinkable if you're a vampire-, then do like me, and get ready for a tough evening. Because tonight, Bonnie Bennett will play with your nerves.

Anyway, let's get back to my suicide mission. Just like an idiot, I tried to find her, and it's how I got into a dark room, reeking sex and alcohol, where the music was blasting, and could be heard in the street next door. Usually, I'm not against this kind of party. There, I find sexy girls, easy to handle. But when you have to find a rather discreet little witch in this kind of place, it's hell.

Fortunately, this little witch was drunk.

Why did I say fortunately ? Let me correct myself : Because apparently, life hate you, she's drunk. So, sure, she's easy to find, but not to keep...

If you're in the same situation as me, you'll easily spot her. You see this girl completely messed up, screaming « I'll be your detonator », standing on a table ? Yes. It's her. It's Bonnie Bennett, the model child, who judge you when you kill someone. Whatever, the hard part of this night begins here. You have to get through a crowd of teenagers. So, you go, brave, but don't do the same mistake as me.

 **Rule number four : Never break eye contact.**

Because obviously, when you finally reach that stupid table, she have disappeared. It's official, Bonnie Bennett is a ninja. Stay calm, don't get mad, you'll find her. I told you she would play with your nerves, didn't I ?

If you're a vampire, you focus, and try to hear her voice. If you're not, well, it's your problem, find another way.

Unfortunately, Bonnie Bennett is dangerous. Even when she doesn't do it on purpose.

So, you find her voice, you get more focused because she doesn't speak loudly... And then, she yells « Let this world explode » really, _really_ loudly.

… And you heard every single word, with maximum volume.

The melodious voice of the brunette just literally blew your brain.

I hate her.

You, who's maybe more clever than me, follow my advice. Go grab her, throw her in your car, and throw this car into a ravine. No more Bonnie, no more problem, no ?

But I think I was kinda stupid, so, after losing one hundred and ten percent of hearing, I just joined her.

And guess what ?

She was making out with a guy in a Teddy jacket. You know the kind of boy who thinks he's cool, wearing a jacket that shows that he's athletic? Yes, this kind of jerk.

Priceless too. Please, just stop, and take a picture, because I didn't, and I regret. It would have been worth at least a year of blackmail. Imagine a Bonnie slave, and just take that stupid picture. A witch as slave, awesome isn't it ? Or, another kind of slave... Do whatever you want, I don't care. But don't think about it now, and just grab her before she escapes again.

Bennett can be fast when she wants to.

Unfortunately, the worst is yet to come. Because apparently, things were too easy, now she's glued to a stupid teenager, who must feel very powerful in his ''popular'' jacket. But you know just as me that it would only take you a second to kill him. But you won't do this. Right now, the ''anti-vampire league'' is interrested by your case, and you don't need to give them any reason to.

You are deadlocked. But I have the solution. Just catch her, and put her on your shoulder. No way she can escape. It would be even better to tie her wrists. But I don't think you have any handcuffs on you, do you ?

Bonnie begins to stir, and is smashing your stomach with her heels. The new little Gilbert insults you. You start to get a headache now, no ? So don't do like me. Because this night, I learned something. When you show your vampire face to a seventeen-years-old jerk, he screams. Really loudly, and really acutely. Mister muscle screams like a girl. Funny. Less funny : it doesn't just give you a headache, it also make every head turn toward you.

And now, people start to think that you're kidnapping her, while you're just taking her by force.

… Ok, maybe you're kidnapping Bonnie Bennett.

 **Rule number five : Never kidnap Bonnie Bennett.**

Because, even drunk, she's really hard to kidnap. She moves, balances on her left, right, and you are tempted to let her fall. But you don't, because if you're a criminal, at least, be a good one. (that's a really bad advice, but it sounds good, so just take it, damn it.)

But also because, now that the idiot had screamed, everyone is looking at you. And because when he stopped, he began telling them that you're a monster. A vampire. Obviously, you don't care, everyone is drunk. But then, you see the barman. He laughs when he sees the young man screaming that he saw a monster, and glance at you. And then, he doesn't laugh anymore. Because there is already suspicions about you in town. And now, there is a witness.

Do you see him, leaning behind his bar ? Well, stop staring, and run -don't forget Bonnie-. Because the guy who thinks you're a vampire isn't just a barman. He's a hunter.

And here begins the descent into hell.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimers: I don't own Vampire Diaries.**

 _Thanks to Banimondala for your review!_

* * *

So, you kidnapped Bonnie Bennett, there is at least thirty witnesses, and a hunter is after you.

… Congratulations.

But don't panic, you still can get away with this.

The barman just grabbed his crossbow, and you're already outside. Luckily, you have a car. Finally, that could be easy. You just have to get into it.

With the keys. Which are next to the jacket of Bonnie.

On the table where she was dancing, inside the nightclub.

You had just left your last chance of survival inside the place you're running away from. But at least, you still have Bonnie's shoe ! Congratulations, you have a great sense of priorities.

Don't worry, you have other options. Do you see this empty and abandoned bar on the other side of the road ? Go there. Well, not too fast. Because if you go really quickly, like me, you'll hear a thud behind you. After dropping Bonnie.

She's almost dead, and just before fainting, you have the pleasure to hear her call you « assh*le». Nice. Anyway, just take her, put her back on your shoulder, and run inside this bar.

The hunter is only several feet away from you, it's too late for you to hide. Throw -in a gentle way- your ''ostage'' behind the counter. If she remember this night, which is very likely, she'll kill you. But it doesn't matter, because you're already dead, with this hunter after you. Also, he might be just behind you right now.

I turned, and saw him aiming his crossbow toward me. And because he's kinda stupid, he started talking, telling me how I was hard to find, and how happy he was to finally be able to stab me with a stake. And because I am who I am, I smiled, and answered in a sarcastic tone that the pleasure was shared. It was a bad idea, but it was worth it. And what did he said ? Well, nothing. Because an old bottle of vodka hit his head before he had a chance to open his mouth.

Bonnie had just risen from behind the counter, and threw a bottle at him.

I don't know if I find this funny or scaring.

Drunk, she managed to aim his head... No, it's scaring.

 **Rule number six : Never underestimate Bonnie Bennett drunk.**

At this moment, I just stared at her, astonished. She climbed the counter, and jumped from it, but fell on the ground. Because apparently, bypassing was too difficult. And when the hunter got up, yelling that he was here to help her, she stood by my side, and told him that she wouldn't let him hurt me.

I don't really remember how I react. I just smiled.

It's at this moment that you must run away. She made you smile, it shouldn't happen. So just go, let her alone with this hunter, and get back to Elena. Follow my advice, because I didn't, and I should have. I didn't even laid eyes on the exit. I didn't take the opportunity to escape from this awful night. Kill me.

 **Rule number seven : Never waste an opportunity to run away.**

Well, anyway, now it's too late. Bonnie, apparently really clever when she's drunk, just threw the hunter against a wall with her powers. He seems shocked, and you can easily guess that Bonnie is now on his list of people to kill. Good job Bon-Bon.

Then, she grabs your wrist, because you're too busy being annoyed to run away from this place, and leads you outside. In the street, she sighs, removes her remaining shoe (don't try to understand this action, there is no explaination), and asks where she could find alcohol.

When there is a nightclub just in front of her.

Whatever, don't listen to her, and just think about how you're going to get back home. You could carry her on your back, and use your vampire speed, but it's a bad idea, it would make her sick. Waiting for the bus is just as impossible, because everytime you look away, even just for two seconds, she disappears.

There's only one solution : find your keys. So, even though you're tired of searching things, remain calm, inhale, exhale, and go back into the nightclub.

 **Rule number eight : Never get into a nightclub with a drunk Bonnie.**

The atmosphere of the party has changed, the place is darker, a white smoke has filled the room, and everybody is covered with fluorescent paint. You move toward the back of the bar, where's the table on which you left your car keys, while trying to avoid the many tipsy girls and drunk teenagers.

You reach the table, and grab your keys. And you think this nightmare is finally over.

You're so naive.

Turn around. Surprise. She's not there anymore. You haven't even felt her hand leaving your wrist, but face it : she disappeared, _again_. The only thing left is her shirt on the ground.

 _Shit_.

After the drunk Bonnie, the Bonnie who make out with jerk, and the creepy Bonnie, here's the shirtless Bonnie. Usually, it wouldn't bother you. I mean, come on. Did you see her ? The second S in her triple S -strong, sexy and sarcastic- isn't there for nothing. But right now, she's just driving you crazy.

And when the thought of murdering her cross your mind, you hear her shouting from the other side of the nightclub.

« Who want to paint my body ? »

Respect the rule number seven. Leave her shirt on the ground, and go away. At least, do it for your sanity.

 **Rule number nine : No more clothes easy to remove for Bonnie. Buy her a straitjacket.**

Because you're just as clever as Bonnie, you clench your fists, trying to stay calm, and then go looking for her. Which is really easy, because you just have to follow her scent.

It sounds really creepy.

Anyway, you find her glued to a guy in a teddy jacket. Seriously ? He's still there ? Go home jerk, it's past your bedtime. He has a paintbrush in his hand, and is drawing something on her stomach with pink fluorescent paint. How to get rid of him ? Just hit his head with a bottle. You could do the same with Bonnie, it would make things easier, but don't. Because you care about her.

There's still two problems. Firstly, dress Bonnie. If you bring her to her friends like that, you're going to be in troubles. Even if the view isn't unpleasant. Secondly, get out of here.

Take off your shirt, and give it to her. Alright, one problem resolved. She grumbles, and begins to pout, but put in on. She can be really cute and annoying at the same time. But you don't have time to think about that, because you just saw the hunter entering the bar.

« Damn it... Bonnie, we need to hide. »

You look down, and notice that she's staring at you intensely. You frown, and you're about to ask her what's wrong, when suddenly, she gets closer, and kiss you. Without any reason. Maybe she wanted to hide from the hunter, or maybe she just wanted to do this.

Without any reason too, you don't repel her. You wrap your arms around her waist, bringing her even closer, feeling her warm body against yours. And at this moment, you don't care about Elena, you don't care about the hunter, he can shoot you as much as he wants. You're surrounded by a white cloud, shirtless against her chest, you feel her heart beat, her lips inflame you, and you're happy to have broken these nine rules. I'd be willing to relive this descent into hell for this moment.

Forget what I said before.

 **Rule number ten : Never try to survive Bonnie Bennett.**


End file.
